The second
season of True Detective premiere’s
tonight on HBO. The early reviews are in, and they are sharply divided. Among
those who thought that the hints at a Lovecraftian world, the second season’s
ground bound stolidness has been seen as a weakness. On the otherhand, those
who had grown tired of the pseudo-philosophizing of Rust Cohle and the
questionable status of Marty Hart as a narrator (the moment you remember that
all of his sex scenes are in narrated flashback he becomes almost unbearably
creepy) the second season has been like a breath of fresh air. Whichever camp
you fall into, the return of True
Detective qualifies as a television moment. In celebration, or
commemoration, or even in simple recognition of the singularity of the first
season’s accomplishment (which I’ll be discussing in greater depth tomorrow), I
want to run a simple countdown of the ten greatest television detectives of all
time:
10. Thomas
Magnum:
There is a
lot to love here: the mustache, the Ferrari, the short-shorts, the Hawaiian
shirts… But Magnum is more than the sum of his parts. His background as a Navy
SEAL, and his extensive contacts in Naval Intelligence and civilian law
enforcement, plus a shrewd (if somewhat mundane—by the standard set by the
other figures on this list) intellect make Magnum a super shamus.
9. Lenny
Briscoe
Do you
remember the film Mystery Men (1999)?
It’s about superheroes with mundane superpowers. It’s hard to reflect on the
legacy of Lenny Briscoe without thinking about this picture. Briscoe is such a
figure. A methodical crimefighter, Briscoe relies on his ability to deliver punning witticisms in the
face of overwhelming human suffering. In a genre defined, largely, by the
ability of its stars to deliver such lines Briscoe stands out above the rest.
8. Ben
Matlock
While not,
strictly speaking, an investigator, Ben Matlock made his career out of not only
finding the guilty party, and getting them to confess on the witness stand, but
by freeing the victims of some of the most elaborate frame-jobs since The Fugitive. Matlock relied on a folksy
demeanor and, like another, greater, investigator on this list, that lulled his
opponents into a false sense of security. But beneath the white linen suits and
hotdog chomping exterior lay the keen mind of a legal shark. There was never
anyone like Matlock before, and there never will be another one.
7. Veronica
Mars
I don’t know
what else there is to say. Veronica Mars is one amazing woman. A natural at
putting the pieces together, a saavy networker who is great at collecting
favors, and totally relentless when the case gets personal (as it always seems
to), Veronica has brought down the rich and the powerful, all while attending
(and acing) high school and college. The only reason she isn’t higher on this
list is that she decided to walk away from her gift. When we catch up with her
in the Veronica Mars movie, she has
abandoned investigation altogether. Would Supergirl give up her cape when there
is a world that desperately needs her?
6. Carl
Kolchak
The Night
Stalker, an investigative reporter whose career arc frequently runs afoul of
the supernatural. Kolchack is the spiritual ancestor of Fox Mulder, and was way
more fun.
5. Andy
Sipowicz
The first
bare butt ever to appear on network television. Enough said.
4. Bunk
Moreland
Bunk is the
greatest procedural detective in this history of television. That is not to say
that The Wire is a procedural (far
from it), but Bunk’s detective work is rigorous and methodical. In the episode
when he and McNulty investigate the murder of a young woman in her kitchen, we
see, for the first time on television, the intricate series of steps and
deductions that a detective goes through in order to make sense of a set of
initially disorganized pieces of information. Beyond his profound efficiency as
a problem solver, Bunk is as rye as Magnum, with a personality as fully formed
as Sipowicz. A rare and powerful television creation.
3. Jim
Rockford
I don’t know
if there is a more aspirational character on television than Jim Rockwell. That
probably says more about me than it does about him. Having served hard time for
a crime he didn’t commit, Rockford has dedicated his life to helping others out
of tight spots. He’s not a genius like Adrian Monk, but he always gets the job
done. And, quite frankly, James Garner has never been sexier.
2. Lt.
Columbo
Columbo is
good with clues, but he is better with people. He is a detective in the mold of
Dostoyevski’s Porfiry Petrovich. He knows the guilt of people on sight. His
interest in clues is purely related to the confirmation of what he already
knows. Like Matlock, Columbo thrives on projecting a vision of himself as
bumbling oaf, a bumpkin in a rumbled raincoat with a disobedient dogs and a
love of coarse tobacco. There is only one more devastating figuration in all of
detective television than Columbo’s “oh, there is just one more thing…” and
that’s the province of our winner.
1. Adrian
Monk
The great
writer of detective stories S.S. Van Dine, in an article called “Twenty rules
for writing detective stories,” which appeared in American Magazine in 1928, wrote that “the detective story is a
kind of intellectual game. It is more — it is a sporting event. And for the
writing of detective stories there are very definite laws — unwritten, perhaps,
but none the less binding; and every respectable and self-respecting concocter
of literary mysteries lives up to them.” The very first rule of these fictions
is that “the reader must have equal opportunity with the detective for solving
the mystery. All clues must be plainly stated and described,” and there are
also rules covering the explicit deception of the reader, and the solution of
the mystery via coincidence or under-motivated confession.
Monk, the greatest detective procedural
of all time, is, to my knowledge the only television show ever to scrupulously
follow these rules. There is not a single episode of Monk whose evidence is not laid out in plain sight, waiting to be
found. The result is that Adrian Monk, more than any other detective on this
list, is playing a permanent game with the audience. That he wins so much more
frequently than he loses (i.e. that the mystery is plain to him before it is
clear to the rest of us) makes him, in no uncertain terms, the greatest
detective in television history.
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